My grandpa was known for his expressions and “you get out of life what you put into it” left an indelible mark on me. From the time I was young I took that into my core and decided that if I just worked hard enough everything would be okay. Therefore, if things were not okay, that meant I had not worked hard enough. And so as a little girl, I laid down in bed, closed my eyes, and decided discipline and effort would be my parachute. The parachute that would rescue me from the free falling chaos of my world. I learned to grind and grind hard because it felt like safety, it gave me an illusion of control. If it was my fault that things were not the way I wanted them to be, then I could simply work harder and “fix” reality. There was a safety in my perfectionism, it put everything on my shoulders and I clearly knew who to blame when things were not ideal, me…
I know other people would hear my grandfather’s expression and not interpret it the same way, but for me it was such a safe way to look at the world. It gave me control. As life went on though some of my biggest fears came to pass – my dad’s alcoholism was real and not going anywhere, my parents really were getting divorced, my mom got cancer, twice, the second time was terminal… and no matter how hard I worked life was not in my control and bad shit happened. There were a lot of good things too, but I did not think the good things were any cause of my own, just the bad. The hard work that I was putting into life was just enough to maintain stability, not enough to celebrate.
I have now come to understand that control is an illusion – no matter how hard I work, the reality of life’s circumstances is not a fight I will win. Being internally motivated to work hard and tough out difficult situations in life has absolutely served me, but it has also drained me. When I view the world as all on me, I am alone, I am isolated, and I have to be everything or it all will crumble.
Well it crumbled … I had just picked up my kids ages 2, 6, and 8 and was driving in the car home on the phone with a representative from my corporate partner in dentistry. At this point I had two dental practices, three kids, and life was very full. I had it all! I got up daily at 5:30 AM to work out, took the kids to school and daycare, went into the office worked a solid six hour shift without lunch, raced to pick up the kids after school (or raced to text other mom’s to help when I was stuck) and then survived until bedtime to start the next day over.
I was “putting everything I had into life”…but I was also feeling like everything was falling on me. In my mind, my corporate partner was constantly pushing back at me and asking for more rather than holding up their end of the bargain. Was that true? Who knows? Either way, the reality is I screamed at my partner on speaker phone in front of my three kids –“Then you can write me a fucking check, I am out!” It was guttural, a tone that has seldom ever come from my vocal cords. It was a combination of fight and flight – not one or the other. My brain chose both at the same time. I would love to say that I immediately realized I was out of line and apologized to the person on the other end of the phone, but I honestly cannot remember and I do not think I had the capacity for anything more than being an asshole at that point.
The grind, the push, trying to do it all and feeling like more was being asked of me, when I had no more to give – led to a nuclear explosion – and my kids got to witness it. My corporate partner did not write me a check, so I must have made amends in some acceptable fashion, although I cannot remember how. I was in such a state of burnout. There are whole periods of time from these years that I truly cannot remember. I had no more to give, but was being asked for more, and I blamed myself for not being able to give more… Today this moment serves as a daily reminder to not allow myself to get to that place again. The hustle, hard work, and grind were not my savior – they in fact led to my downfall and the times I do not remember, because who can remember anything when you’re constantly focused on what needs to be done next – those moments over the period of years are gone. It’s not just how I navigated things at work that are lost, it is everything – beautiful moments with my kids, my husband, grateful patients, those memories are hazy at best and most were totally missed.
I am so grateful that I am now able to see it all so differently – I am choosing to be present in every moment of my life. I am working hard to create my life because I now recognize that my life is going on around me whether I choose to be present and experience it or not.
A lot of my self-reflection and insight comes from observing my kids and thinking of what I want their inner dialogue to be when things get hard. I can assure you; I do not want it to mimic my default setting. There is a delicate balance between ownership, accountability, discipline, effort, and acceptance. Acceptance of circumstances was never part of my inner dialogue and there is still a loud voice in my head at times that tells me I am not working hard enough, I am giving up instead of accepting that there is a limit to how much I can give. Learning acceptance and getting clear on where we can work hard to have impact through our efforts and when we simply need to pull our arms in, ride the water slide, and even laugh along the way – this is what I want my kids’ inner monologue to reflect.
You do not have to be stuck, carrying it all, there is more, and it is not about choosing an easier path, it is about taking control of you and your choices while life goes on around you.
