It’s the most wonderful time of the year…
I have gone back and forth in my mind about whether to write a blog during this season. On the one hand the last thing anyone may need is one more thing to think about, on the other hand, if this gives anyone a glint of light on a dark day, then mission accomplished!
This time of year can give you moments that take your breath away but can also – be a roller coaster ride between emotional highs and lows on a stomach full of holiday treats and beverages that can leave you in a state of nausea. As someone who naturally takes on others emotions, the holidays became A LOT from a very early age. My parents divorced when I was three and I could not be in both of their homes at the same time. The burden of that reality hit me hard. I never wanted my mom or dad to feel sad and I tried my best to manage what I thought everyone else needed from me. Adding some more cinnamon to the eggnog was the fact that my parents’ financial realities were different and while I honestly could not have cared less about the amount of gifts I received, my Dad was acutely aware of the contrast and it was hard on him, so I felt that too. Even writing this there is this tight feeling in my chest and an image of me trying to balance a whole lot of shit… everyone’s shit, that is what comes up when I think of the holidays.
While there was this big part of me trying to make the holidays great for everyone else, there was also a quiet internal voice keeping tabs on how I was going to do this season differently when I was an adult. The little girl inside of me wanted this all to be different in the future and I work to keep those promises. Promise one: I will have a huge Christmas tree. I remember standing at the tree lot with my Dad. I loved doing things with my Dad and picking out a Christmas tree was great. My Dad was such a big kid in so many ways and I have great memories of tree lots, the cold air, the goofy jokes, the time spent together. I also have memories of comparing what tree Mom was able to buy and from what tree lot, to what tree Dad was able to buy and wondering if he would be upset or ask questions about what was going on in Mom’s house. The little girl inside me knew this internal dialogue was SHIT and I made a mental note that when I was older, I would go to whatever tree lot I wanted and buy the biggest tree I could, why? Because it honored my Dad’s silliness and joy without any of the burden of comparison. Side note – I did this for years and my husband was a rock star getting ridiculous-sized trees on the top of our car, total Clark Griswald moments, but I have compromised and now have a ridiculously large fake tree instead. Which was great, until one year after a hard day at work, I went to Target and bought a nine foot tall flocked tree, wrestled the huge box in the cart myself, carefully navigated the packed aisles, and brought that home, too. It felt great, it was honoring all the best of my Dad: silly, spontaneous joy.
The little girl inside me loves the holidays and she focuses on the constant possibility of silly, spontaneous joy. When I can connect to this lightness the feeling resonates in my chest and releases the tightness of the impossible task of holding everyone else’s pain. This is not a blog about gratitude and special moments and focusing on the good. Those are important concepts and can be very helpful. This is a blog about giving yourself plenty of grace, because chances are you may be carrying a lot of stuff from Christmas past. This is a time of year with huge expectations and hard realities – which is the definition of suffering. As adults we have so many notions of what great holidays look like. When I look back on the best parts of the holidays it was truly just being with my parents, the time, the beautiful decorations, the delicious food, the movies. So much of me wanted everyone to be happy and at peace and unfortunately that is what made the holidays so hard. Everyone else’s happiness and peace are theirs to carry. This December, I will give myself grace for caring so much because it is who I am and I will do my best to focus on time with my kids, delicious food, beautiful decorations and movies. Give yourself grace – it is okay if it is messy and it is okay if it is hard and when in doubt just ask your inner child what she needs, it is likely a powerful insight into what the holidays really mean for you.
